WEBVTT
1
00:00:05.200 --> 00:00:06.500
Hi and welcome.
2
00:00:06.500 --> 00:00:09.290
I am Amy Boyd and I'm the national director
3
00:00:09.290 --> 00:00:11.770
of family programming here at K12.
4
00:00:11.770 --> 00:00:15.200
I work with parents and students all across the nation.
5
00:00:15.200 --> 00:00:18.730
And one thing I hear often is how bullying
6
00:00:18.730 --> 00:00:20.630
affects the entire family.
7
00:00:20.630 --> 00:00:23.560
For this reason we've invited Fabian Ramirez,
8
00:00:23.560 --> 00:00:26.245
a bullying prevention expert, to be here with us today
9
00:00:26.245 --> 00:00:28.920
to share some strategies that parents can use
10
00:00:28.920 --> 00:00:31.370
to support a child who's being bullied.
11
00:00:31.370 --> 00:00:32.860
Welcome Fabian.
12
00:00:32.860 --> 00:00:34.750
Yeah, hi I'm Fabian Ramirez.
13
00:00:34.750 --> 00:00:36.080
It's an honor to be here with you guys
14
00:00:36.080 --> 00:00:39.360
and share some of the tips that I always give parents
15
00:00:39.360 --> 00:00:42.040
during parent nights in some of the schools
16
00:00:42.040 --> 00:00:43.739
that I attend.
17
00:00:43.739 --> 00:00:45.790
And usually I attend schools where there is a bullying
18
00:00:45.790 --> 00:00:48.140
situation, or something happened at the school.
19
00:00:48.140 --> 00:00:50.247
And they'll bring somebody like me to come in
20
00:00:50.247 --> 00:00:52.220
and talk about prevention.
21
00:00:52.220 --> 00:00:53.950
Which, you can not put it in a box,
22
00:00:53.950 --> 00:00:57.800
but today we want to share some information with you
23
00:00:57.800 --> 00:00:58.930
that I think will help you,
24
00:00:58.930 --> 00:01:01.230
and some skills that you can use and implement
25
00:01:01.230 --> 00:01:02.760
and use with your students right away.
26
00:01:02.760 --> 00:01:04.810
So, I'm excited to be here with you guys.
27
00:01:06.095 --> 00:01:06.928
Before we get started with the webinar
28
00:01:06.928 --> 00:01:09.600
you guys will see a survey pop up.
29
00:01:09.600 --> 00:01:12.180
If you can click on that and just kind of tell
30
00:01:12.180 --> 00:01:13.060
us where you are today.
31
00:01:13.060 --> 00:01:15.280
There'll be a few questions, if you'll just take a couple
32
00:01:15.280 --> 00:01:17.530
minutes and just fill out those questions for us
33
00:01:17.530 --> 00:01:18.640
that'll be very helpful.
34
00:01:18.640 --> 00:01:20.060
Thanks guys.
35
00:01:20.060 --> 00:01:21.770
So, what is bullying?
36
00:01:21.770 --> 00:01:26.147
So, bullying it's, everybody tries on the put bullying
37
00:01:26.147 --> 00:01:27.310
in a box.
38
00:01:27.310 --> 00:01:29.470
And that's where I come in and say look,
39
00:01:29.470 --> 00:01:31.070
bullying can happen in so many ways,
40
00:01:31.070 --> 00:01:35.107
whether it's online, offline, and so it kind of gets
41
00:01:35.107 --> 00:01:36.990
lost in translation.
42
00:01:36.990 --> 00:01:39.670
And then for students that's why they don't even end
43
00:01:39.670 --> 00:01:40.940
up wanting to talk about bullying.
44
00:01:40.940 --> 00:01:44.200
Because what happens is we put so much pressure,
45
00:01:44.200 --> 00:01:46.960
and it kind of gets skewed and blurry.
46
00:01:46.960 --> 00:01:49.560
And just like a confused buyer will never buy,
47
00:01:49.560 --> 00:01:51.970
well a confused student will never follow any kind of
48
00:01:51.970 --> 00:01:53.450
policy we put into place.
49
00:01:53.450 --> 00:01:56.140
So when we get back to, okay, what is bullying.
50
00:01:56.140 --> 00:01:57.660
So, different things happen.
51
00:01:57.660 --> 00:02:01.069
All right, so here's one thing that happens in schools.
52
00:02:01.069 --> 00:02:02.890
What happens is one kid can kind of pick on another kid
53
00:02:02.890 --> 00:02:05.000
and they're having fun, they're having a good time.
54
00:02:05.000 --> 00:02:07.040
And then they can walk away and there's no like
55
00:02:07.040 --> 00:02:08.490
unequal balance of power.
56
00:02:08.490 --> 00:02:11.130
That's what the definition usually comes down to.
57
00:02:11.130 --> 00:02:13.830
And what we say in that situation it's just teasing.
58
00:02:13.830 --> 00:02:16.020
And I bring that up at the very beginning because
59
00:02:16.020 --> 00:02:19.035
most bullying that kids report has actually
60
00:02:19.035 --> 00:02:20.900
turned out to be teasing, right.
61
00:02:20.900 --> 00:02:22.616
Like, there's a solution.
62
00:02:22.616 --> 00:02:24.310
They're just playing around.
63
00:02:24.310 --> 00:02:25.420
It's like mama jokes.
64
00:02:25.420 --> 00:02:27.120
Remember the mama jokes that kids usually say
65
00:02:27.120 --> 00:02:28.485
to each other.
66
00:02:28.485 --> 00:02:29.483
That's teasing.
67
00:02:29.483 --> 00:02:30.491
They walk away laughing.
68
00:02:30.491 --> 00:02:33.850
When a mama joke crosses a line, and now you talk about
69
00:02:33.850 --> 00:02:36.460
my mom, but my moms actually going through something.
70
00:02:36.460 --> 00:02:39.365
Then guess what, now we have what we call conflict.
71
00:02:39.365 --> 00:02:42.220
So, bullying can actually be conflict.
72
00:02:42.220 --> 00:02:44.490
That's where it's like, okay you said something to me,
73
00:02:44.490 --> 00:02:46.512
but my mom is actually going through something.
74
00:02:46.512 --> 00:02:49.282
Now, conflict can actually be resolved.
75
00:02:49.282 --> 00:02:52.440
Most kids who can not resolve conflict on their own,
76
00:02:52.440 --> 00:02:53.318
meaning they don't have the proper training
77
00:02:53.318 --> 00:02:57.580
to resolve conflict, it ends up escalating to what can be
78
00:02:57.580 --> 00:02:59.610
bullying behavior, especially if they don't
79
00:02:59.610 --> 00:03:00.650
address it in the right way.
80
00:03:00.650 --> 00:03:01.730
I walk away hurt.
81
00:03:01.730 --> 00:03:03.420
Next thing you know, I'm gonna come back at you
82
00:03:03.420 --> 00:03:04.838
because you hurt me.
83
00:03:04.838 --> 00:03:07.340
That's how bullying usually starts.
84
00:03:07.340 --> 00:03:10.006
Now, the actual definition
85
00:03:10.006 --> 00:03:12.910
and when you see bullying happening on school campuses,
86
00:03:12.910 --> 00:03:14.630
it's something that happens repetitively.
87
00:03:14.630 --> 00:03:15.889
It happens over and over.
88
00:03:15.889 --> 00:03:19.680
Sometimes it is physical and it is on purpose.
89
00:03:19.680 --> 00:03:22.070
Like, someone's waking up everyday going to school
90
00:03:22.070 --> 00:03:24.690
going I'm gonna target this person.
91
00:03:24.690 --> 00:03:26.560
And then someone becomes a target.
92
00:03:26.560 --> 00:03:28.320
And I always tell students that's the moment
93
00:03:28.320 --> 00:03:29.590
you need to start saying something.
94
00:03:29.590 --> 00:03:32.640
It happens over, and over, and over, that's bullying
95
00:03:32.640 --> 00:03:34.624
to the definition that we have.
96
00:03:34.624 --> 00:03:37.570
Fabian, what are the warning signs that a child
97
00:03:37.570 --> 00:03:39.010
is being bullied.
98
00:03:39.010 --> 00:03:40.710
Sure, I always tell parents,
99
00:03:40.710 --> 00:03:42.500
look you're the parent.
100
00:03:42.500 --> 00:03:43.818
You know your kid, right.
101
00:03:43.818 --> 00:03:47.040
And so, because you know your kid you know when your
102
00:03:47.040 --> 00:03:48.042
kid is happy.
103
00:03:48.042 --> 00:03:49.350
You know when your kid is sad.
104
00:03:49.350 --> 00:03:50.550
And then you also know when your kid is having
105
00:03:50.550 --> 00:03:51.383
some challenges.
106
00:03:51.383 --> 00:03:55.400
So, if I drop of my kid at school having a good day
107
00:03:55.400 --> 00:03:56.870
and I know that they're in a good mood,
108
00:03:56.870 --> 00:03:58.620
and dad just bought them a favorite toy,
109
00:03:58.620 --> 00:04:01.232
or whatever it is, a game that they like to play online,
110
00:04:01.232 --> 00:04:03.460
then I pick them up from school and it's a totally
111
00:04:03.460 --> 00:04:06.770
different child, totally different attitude,
112
00:04:06.770 --> 00:04:07.920
okay that's a warning sign.
113
00:04:07.920 --> 00:04:11.690
All right, not only that, let's just say they had something
114
00:04:11.690 --> 00:04:14.499
new, whether new jewelry, piece of clothing,
115
00:04:14.499 --> 00:04:16.797
and then they come home without it,
116
00:04:16.797 --> 00:04:18.240
and I say, hey where's your watch.
117
00:04:18.240 --> 00:04:19.687
Where's the new watch that I bought you.
118
00:04:19.687 --> 00:04:23.010
And they're like, the thing that they used to love
119
00:04:23.010 --> 00:04:24.140
and now they don't care anymore.
120
00:04:24.140 --> 00:04:25.640
I don't care about that watch.
121
00:04:27.124 --> 00:04:28.290
I lost it mom.
122
00:04:28.290 --> 00:04:30.160
Or, I left it somewhere, someone stole it,
123
00:04:30.160 --> 00:04:31.316
but it's okay.
124
00:04:31.316 --> 00:04:32.554
I didn't like it anyway.
125
00:04:32.554 --> 00:04:34.680
Little things like that are warning signs.
126
00:04:34.680 --> 00:04:36.560
We have to recognize the warning sign.
127
00:04:36.560 --> 00:04:39.750
And I always tell parents, man, anytime bullying
128
00:04:39.750 --> 00:04:41.010
actually already happened, I mean,
129
00:04:41.010 --> 00:04:43.590
it's already escalated you can actually backtrack
130
00:04:43.590 --> 00:04:44.530
and say, why did I,
131
00:04:44.530 --> 00:04:46.960
I should have asked more questions, right.
132
00:04:46.960 --> 00:04:49.680
I had that gut feeling within me as a parent
133
00:04:49.680 --> 00:04:51.940
'cause I know my kid and I didn't raise those
134
00:04:51.940 --> 00:04:53.930
yellow I should have along the way.
135
00:04:53.930 --> 00:04:56.130
I always tell parents, address them.
136
00:04:56.130 --> 00:04:58.391
Physical you'll be able to see it, you know.
137
00:04:58.391 --> 00:05:00.830
If you're kid usually takes his shirt off
138
00:05:00.830 --> 00:05:03.140
before he goes takes a bath,
139
00:05:03.140 --> 00:05:05.500
he's no longer doing that, might wanna consider
140
00:05:05.500 --> 00:05:07.340
asking the dad to go in there to just see,
141
00:05:07.340 --> 00:05:09.300
check his body out, see if there's any marks
142
00:05:09.300 --> 00:05:10.679
on the kid.
143
00:05:10.679 --> 00:05:12.310
That's a huge warning sign.
144
00:05:12.310 --> 00:05:14.329
In fact, if you see something like that
145
00:05:14.329 --> 00:05:16.000
that needs to be reported right away to authorities
146
00:05:16.000 --> 00:05:17.850
and to the school to see if there's anything
147
00:05:17.850 --> 00:05:19.130
going on at school.
148
00:05:19.130 --> 00:05:22.840
So, if a parent sees these types of warning signs
149
00:05:22.840 --> 00:05:26.500
then how would you expect them to address those?
150
00:05:26.500 --> 00:05:28.710
Yeah, so first I would talk to the kid,
151
00:05:28.710 --> 00:05:30.320
get the story straight.
152
00:05:30.320 --> 00:05:33.210
And then, start, if the kid says,
153
00:05:33.210 --> 00:05:35.250
yeah there actually is something happening.
154
00:05:35.250 --> 00:05:36.730
And maybe it is in the community.
155
00:05:36.730 --> 00:05:38.410
Sometimes it's not even in school.
156
00:05:38.410 --> 00:05:40.889
But going to whoever is in charge of wherever
157
00:05:40.889 --> 00:05:42.633
your kid is at and going.
158
00:05:42.633 --> 00:05:44.500
It could be in a restaurant,
159
00:05:44.500 --> 00:05:47.160
wherever the place, and say here's what happened.
160
00:05:47.160 --> 00:05:50.280
My kid said it happened in your care.
161
00:05:50.280 --> 00:05:52.064
For example, let's just say the school,
162
00:05:52.064 --> 00:05:54.967
again, the principal, counselor, vice principal,
163
00:05:54.967 --> 00:05:57.400
usually one of those three would be the people
164
00:05:57.400 --> 00:06:00.540
that say okay, and they should have a protocol in place.
165
00:06:00.540 --> 00:06:02.890
And we just follow that protocol.
166
00:06:02.890 --> 00:06:04.000
What do we do next?
167
00:06:04.000 --> 00:06:07.990
Do we, most of the time you contact the school police
168
00:06:07.990 --> 00:06:09.850
and the school police will get involved.
169
00:06:09.850 --> 00:06:14.010
And then, again, it all goes down the chain of protocol.
170
00:06:14.010 --> 00:06:16.364
So, who are the typical bullies on a campus.
171
00:06:16.364 --> 00:06:19.080
You know, a lot of times people actually think
172
00:06:19.080 --> 00:06:21.395
that it's like the popular kids, you know,
173
00:06:21.395 --> 00:06:22.228
the kids that can walk around campus,
174
00:06:22.228 --> 00:06:24.620
the quarterback, and he can just push people around
175
00:06:24.620 --> 00:06:25.950
against lockers or whatever.
176
00:06:25.950 --> 00:06:27.340
It's not the popular kids.
177
00:06:27.340 --> 00:06:29.100
And usually most of the time the popular kids
178
00:06:29.100 --> 00:06:30.800
are only popular at school,
179
00:06:30.800 --> 00:06:32.446
and they're not popular at home.
180
00:06:32.446 --> 00:06:35.920
So, what I like to bring out to people
181
00:06:35.920 --> 00:06:37.720
when they talk about bullies is the classic
182
00:06:37.720 --> 00:06:39.895
bully was actually a victim first.
183
00:06:39.895 --> 00:06:41.879
See, we never think about that.
184
00:06:41.879 --> 00:06:43.310
We never think about the student.
185
00:06:43.310 --> 00:06:45.070
In fact, a lot of schools have policies in place
186
00:06:45.070 --> 00:06:47.710
that says, you see signs on campus,
187
00:06:47.710 --> 00:06:48.840
no bully on campus.
188
00:06:48.840 --> 00:06:50.460
This is a bully free zone.
189
00:06:50.460 --> 00:06:52.530
And really for that kid what that means is
190
00:06:52.530 --> 00:06:54.410
I don't want you hear.
191
00:06:54.410 --> 00:06:57.539
And really that's not the message we want to give to kids.
192
00:06:57.539 --> 00:06:59.380
We don't want the behavior here.
193
00:06:59.380 --> 00:07:00.213
But, we want you.
194
00:07:00.213 --> 00:07:02.920
We care about you as a person, but you need help.
195
00:07:02.920 --> 00:07:05.300
Because picking on other people, physical,
196
00:07:05.300 --> 00:07:06.624
that is not normal behavior.
197
00:07:06.624 --> 00:07:10.831
So, it's highly likely that they're hurting about something.
198
00:07:10.831 --> 00:07:14.116
There's a term that counsels use,
199
00:07:14.116 --> 00:07:14.949
if you have any kind of counselor training
200
00:07:14.949 --> 00:07:18.000
they tell you that hurt people hurt people.
201
00:07:18.000 --> 00:07:19.610
Like people have been hurt in their past
202
00:07:19.610 --> 00:07:20.990
it's highly likely they might hurt somebody
203
00:07:20.990 --> 00:07:22.150
in the future.
204
00:07:22.150 --> 00:07:23.690
You see, and so if you don't get help
205
00:07:23.690 --> 00:07:26.500
what happens is it creates this viscous cycle,
206
00:07:26.500 --> 00:07:27.660
because somebody who is hurting,
207
00:07:27.660 --> 00:07:30.070
it is natural for every human being who is hurting
208
00:07:30.070 --> 00:07:32.090
it's natural for them to wanna transfer
209
00:07:32.090 --> 00:07:34.220
their hurt onto another person.
210
00:07:34.220 --> 00:07:35.367
So, hurt people hurt people.
211
00:07:35.367 --> 00:07:38.370
But, you know, I don't like to just bring up problems
212
00:07:38.370 --> 00:07:39.730
and not try to give solutions.
213
00:07:39.730 --> 00:07:41.780
So, not only do hurt people hurt people,
214
00:07:41.780 --> 00:07:44.870
but healed people heal people.
215
00:07:44.870 --> 00:07:46.510
And that is why I always tell students,
216
00:07:46.510 --> 00:07:48.580
look, go get the help you need.
217
00:07:48.580 --> 00:07:50.470
You know, go in and seeing and talking to a counselor
218
00:07:50.470 --> 00:07:52.000
is not a weakness.
219
00:07:52.000 --> 00:07:54.417
A lot of times students actually think it's a weakness.
220
00:07:54.417 --> 00:07:55.423
It's not.
221
00:07:55.423 --> 00:07:56.422
It's a strength.
222
00:07:56.422 --> 00:07:57.255
Everybody wants to be physically healthy.
223
00:07:57.255 --> 00:07:58.538
I'm gonna go work out.
224
00:07:58.538 --> 00:07:59.371
I'm gonna go pump iron.
225
00:07:59.371 --> 00:08:00.610
And I always talk to student about that
226
00:08:00.610 --> 00:08:01.530
'cause it's true.
227
00:08:01.530 --> 00:08:04.330
But no one wants to talk about being emotionally healthy.
228
00:08:04.330 --> 00:08:06.930
And so when you go speak and talk to a counselor
229
00:08:06.930 --> 00:08:09.560
and you can vent, just being able to just transfer
230
00:08:09.560 --> 00:08:11.400
your emotions and put them into words
231
00:08:11.400 --> 00:08:14.910
it's a very healthy thing for kids to learn how to do.
232
00:08:14.910 --> 00:08:16.620
And again, that's a skill.
233
00:08:16.620 --> 00:08:18.210
It's a learned behavior.
234
00:08:18.210 --> 00:08:21.140
And so, we need to teach kids how to vent.
235
00:08:21.140 --> 00:08:22.490
And that's where parents come in.
236
00:08:22.490 --> 00:08:24.884
Parents, stop asking like close-ended questions.
237
00:08:24.884 --> 00:08:28.630
How was your day today is a close-ended question, right.
238
00:08:28.630 --> 00:08:31.207
How is your day today is gonna get good, okay,
239
00:08:31.207 --> 00:08:32.660
and that means, you know what that means?
240
00:08:32.660 --> 00:08:34.130
That means leave me alone mom.
241
00:08:34.130 --> 00:08:35.465
Leave me alone dad, stop asking me.
242
00:08:35.465 --> 00:08:38.180
You need to go a little further.
243
00:08:38.180 --> 00:08:39.810
Go a little deeper, right.
244
00:08:39.810 --> 00:08:42.500
As parent we're collectors of information,
245
00:08:42.500 --> 00:08:43.630
that's what we are.
246
00:08:43.630 --> 00:08:45.363
I want as much data on my kid as possible
247
00:08:45.363 --> 00:08:48.160
that way I can make the best assessment, right.
248
00:08:48.160 --> 00:08:49.657
And so, I'll dig deeper.
249
00:08:49.657 --> 00:08:52.000
No, no, no, how was your day today
250
00:08:52.000 --> 00:08:52.833
is not gonna work.
251
00:08:52.833 --> 00:08:55.350
How about, on a scale of 1 to 10, how was your day.
252
00:08:55.350 --> 00:08:57.500
One being it was the worst day of your life.
253
00:08:57.500 --> 00:08:59.710
10 being, man, I can't wait to come back to school tomorrow.
254
00:08:59.710 --> 00:09:00.590
How was your day?
255
00:09:00.590 --> 00:09:01.938
Rate it.
256
00:09:01.938 --> 00:09:02.924
Give me a number.
257
00:09:02.924 --> 00:09:03.757
See, I'm just getting information, right.
258
00:09:03.757 --> 00:09:05.760
Anything higher than a five is really good.
259
00:09:05.760 --> 00:09:07.340
Anything lower than a five I'm gonna dig
260
00:09:07.340 --> 00:09:08.290
a little deeper.
261
00:09:08.290 --> 00:09:10.270
Right, I'm gonna say, well, what made it a three.
262
00:09:10.270 --> 00:09:12.450
What would have made it a seven, you know?
263
00:09:12.450 --> 00:09:14.450
Is there anything I can do as your mom,
264
00:09:14.450 --> 00:09:17.660
or as your dad to help that number get a little bit higher,
265
00:09:17.660 --> 00:09:18.550
you see that.
266
00:09:18.550 --> 00:09:22.330
And so that's when you always gotta go back
267
00:09:22.330 --> 00:09:24.260
to hurt people hurt people.
268
00:09:24.260 --> 00:09:26.460
Man, let's get the people, let's get the kids
269
00:09:26.460 --> 00:09:28.200
who are hurting the help that they need.
270
00:09:28.200 --> 00:09:31.690
Let's help them go through that healing process.
271
00:09:31.690 --> 00:09:35.310
So, Fabian, what can we do as parents to help
272
00:09:35.310 --> 00:09:37.580
our kids be nice at school?
273
00:09:37.580 --> 00:09:40.980
Sure, you know, we all know that our kids
274
00:09:40.980 --> 00:09:43.410
are a reflection of really our upbringing.
275
00:09:43.410 --> 00:09:45.260
I mean, that's what it comes down to.
276
00:09:46.279 --> 00:09:49.479
And as scary as it sounds it's the honest truth.
277
00:09:49.479 --> 00:09:53.020
And everybody who's probably watching this is
278
00:09:53.020 --> 00:09:54.540
shaking their head, you know, going yep,
279
00:09:54.540 --> 00:09:55.772
that's so true, you know.
280
00:09:55.772 --> 00:09:57.630
Show me the kid and show me the parent
281
00:09:57.630 --> 00:09:59.600
and I can know why they act the way they do.
282
00:09:59.600 --> 00:10:03.640
But, I like to say, and these four words that are huge,
283
00:10:03.640 --> 00:10:07.030
that cultural norms dictate behavior.
284
00:10:07.030 --> 00:10:09.390
And what I mean by cultural norms is,
285
00:10:09.390 --> 00:10:11.847
when students come to school every single student
286
00:10:11.847 --> 00:10:14.660
will come in with their own cultural norms.
287
00:10:14.660 --> 00:10:16.752
And I'm not talking about culture like
288
00:10:16.752 --> 00:10:17.585
I'm Hispanic.
289
00:10:17.585 --> 00:10:18.470
That has a little bit to do with it.
290
00:10:18.470 --> 00:10:20.630
But I'm talking about what has been passed on
291
00:10:20.630 --> 00:10:21.580
from me to my dad.
292
00:10:21.580 --> 00:10:23.120
What did he pass on to me?
293
00:10:23.120 --> 00:10:25.690
What did my parents say to me and what do I truly
294
00:10:25.690 --> 00:10:27.250
value as a student?
295
00:10:27.250 --> 00:10:30.132
Already as a middle school student who's like,
296
00:10:30.132 --> 00:10:31.690
I don't know, 12, you know.
297
00:10:31.690 --> 00:10:33.700
Or a high school student who's 16, 17,
298
00:10:33.700 --> 00:10:36.150
and sometimes you ask why do I act the way I do.
299
00:10:36.150 --> 00:10:37.670
Well it's because of the values that have been
300
00:10:37.670 --> 00:10:39.040
passed on to me, right.
301
00:10:39.040 --> 00:10:41.660
So, cultural norms dictate behavior.
302
00:10:41.660 --> 00:10:43.530
We act the way we do because of our upbringing.
303
00:10:43.530 --> 00:10:45.410
Not only that, but our experiences,
304
00:10:45.410 --> 00:10:48.210
you know, some students they just have bad experiences
305
00:10:48.210 --> 00:10:49.330
in the community.
306
00:10:49.330 --> 00:10:52.400
And so they see things and they hear certain things.
307
00:10:52.400 --> 00:10:54.433
And as students what we can do,
308
00:10:54.433 --> 00:10:57.320
as parents we can teach students to understand
309
00:10:57.320 --> 00:11:00.080
if you see something that you enjoy and you can like,
310
00:11:00.080 --> 00:11:02.510
and you can implement that behavior into your life.
311
00:11:02.510 --> 00:11:06.270
In other words, you can create a new normal for yourself.
312
00:11:06.270 --> 00:11:07.360
And that's what we all do.
313
00:11:07.360 --> 00:11:08.630
It's like training.
314
00:11:08.630 --> 00:11:11.610
You can almost train yourself on how you're gonna act.
315
00:11:11.610 --> 00:11:14.570
So you see people who are nice and respectful,
316
00:11:14.570 --> 00:11:17.050
and I'm like, what is he saying to be nice.
317
00:11:17.050 --> 00:11:19.118
I wanna start talking the way he talks.
318
00:11:19.118 --> 00:11:22.120
In other words, I wanna make that my cultural norm.
319
00:11:22.120 --> 00:11:23.890
And by the time you know it now I have all these
320
00:11:23.890 --> 00:11:26.610
cultural norms that guide me into being
321
00:11:26.610 --> 00:11:28.700
that student, what solid student
322
00:11:28.700 --> 00:11:30.283
that I'm supposed to be, right.
323
00:11:31.165 --> 00:11:32.317
It dictates my behavior.
324
00:11:32.317 --> 00:11:35.200
So, Fabian, you gave us some great tips
325
00:11:35.200 --> 00:11:38.230
on how to ask, dig a little deeper when our kids
326
00:11:39.101 --> 00:11:40.690
come home and ask about their day.
327
00:11:40.690 --> 00:11:43.261
Do you have any tips on helping us ask
328
00:11:43.261 --> 00:11:47.610
the question to students when you know something's wrong.
329
00:11:47.610 --> 00:11:49.510
Yes, absolutely.
330
00:11:49.510 --> 00:11:52.680
You know, we said before how we know our kid, right.
331
00:11:52.680 --> 00:11:54.720
So, our kid comes home and let's just say
332
00:11:54.720 --> 00:11:58.460
they're usually a talkative kid that is always talking.
333
00:11:58.460 --> 00:11:59.813
You understand your kid.
334
00:12:00.803 --> 00:12:01.690
Now, if they're not saying anything and they're
335
00:12:01.690 --> 00:12:04.500
being quiet they're actually acting out.
336
00:12:04.500 --> 00:12:07.840
And so one of the things I'd say is what you don't talk out
337
00:12:07.840 --> 00:12:09.080
you act out.
338
00:12:09.080 --> 00:12:11.040
And that is for whoever.
339
00:12:11.040 --> 00:12:13.860
That's, you know, we're not talking about age at this point.
340
00:12:13.860 --> 00:12:14.900
That's anybody.
341
00:12:14.900 --> 00:12:18.440
What we don't talk about we're gonna act out one day.
342
00:12:18.440 --> 00:12:21.640
And so, and I know this because I can go into,
343
00:12:21.640 --> 00:12:24.260
I don't know, in school suspension, let's just take.
344
00:12:24.260 --> 00:12:27.400
Or, a juvenile, for example, I've been in both.
345
00:12:27.400 --> 00:12:30.120
And as I speak to students who have been in trouble
346
00:12:30.120 --> 00:12:32.410
and usually they just do one thing.
347
00:12:32.410 --> 00:12:34.570
Most of those students will do one thing, two things,
348
00:12:34.570 --> 00:12:35.920
and that's why they're there.
349
00:12:35.920 --> 00:12:37.540
And so it's almost like a last chance
350
00:12:37.540 --> 00:12:39.710
before they get kicked out of school.
351
00:12:39.710 --> 00:12:43.060
Well, I sit down with these kids and it always comes down
352
00:12:43.060 --> 00:12:46.500
to something that they're hurting about almost every time.
353
00:12:46.500 --> 00:12:48.360
You know, maybe a dad left the home,
354
00:12:48.360 --> 00:12:50.750
or maybe there's conflict at home between mom and dad.
355
00:12:50.750 --> 00:12:54.660
And you know, we know that if the home environment
356
00:12:54.660 --> 00:12:56.790
is not stable it's gonna be hard for them to learn
357
00:12:56.790 --> 00:12:58.290
and thrive academically.
358
00:12:58.290 --> 00:13:00.400
And so, what happens is they end up doing something
359
00:13:00.400 --> 00:13:02.530
they'll regret sometimes for the rest of their life.
360
00:13:02.530 --> 00:13:04.560
And this is where we come in and that's why
361
00:13:04.560 --> 00:13:05.880
prevention is so important.
362
00:13:05.880 --> 00:13:08.396
We'll be able to come in and just talk to students
363
00:13:08.396 --> 00:13:09.880
about why it's important to open up, to share.
364
00:13:09.880 --> 00:13:12.680
Because what they don't talk out they will act out.
365
00:13:12.680 --> 00:13:15.740
And if your kid is acting out, meaning you know their
366
00:13:15.740 --> 00:13:17.720
behavior they're supposed to have and all of a sudden
367
00:13:17.720 --> 00:13:19.970
they're uncontrollable, it's highly likely
368
00:13:19.970 --> 00:13:21.620
they need to talk to a counselor,
369
00:13:22.882 --> 00:13:23.910
somebody who can bring up exactly,
370
00:13:23.910 --> 00:13:25.890
what is the root issue here, right?
371
00:13:25.890 --> 00:13:28.510
Remember, the classic bully was a victim first,
372
00:13:28.510 --> 00:13:30.310
so somewhere they were victimized
373
00:13:30.310 --> 00:13:31.930
and you don't even know as a parent.
374
00:13:31.930 --> 00:13:33.940
But if they can talk to someone that they trust.
375
00:13:33.940 --> 00:13:36.410
And hopefully they trust you enough to be like mom,
376
00:13:36.410 --> 00:13:37.730
dad, here's what's going on.
377
00:13:37.730 --> 00:13:39.870
But if not, it's always good to have a third party
378
00:13:39.870 --> 00:13:42.117
come in and be the neutral person in the room
379
00:13:42.117 --> 00:13:44.320
to get that kid to open up.
380
00:13:44.320 --> 00:13:47.470
So, you mention that most schools have a protocol
381
00:13:47.470 --> 00:13:51.310
in place when there is suspected bullying.
382
00:13:51.310 --> 00:13:54.540
So, are kids not utilizing this resource
383
00:13:54.540 --> 00:13:56.420
that's available for them.
384
00:13:56.420 --> 00:13:59.180
Yeah, some are, but usually when I go to a school
385
00:13:59.180 --> 00:14:02.010
the majority of the counselors will say
386
00:14:02.010 --> 00:14:03.960
we have this reporting process in place.
387
00:14:03.960 --> 00:14:05.340
It's on their homepage, right.
388
00:14:05.340 --> 00:14:06.620
Or, we even have an app.
389
00:14:06.620 --> 00:14:08.970
The district has an app and kids can go in there
390
00:14:08.970 --> 00:14:12.250
and they can anonymously say what is going on,
391
00:14:12.250 --> 00:14:14.070
I'm being bullied, right.
392
00:14:14.070 --> 00:14:15.790
But, it's not being utilized the way we thought
393
00:14:15.790 --> 00:14:17.870
it was gonna be, you know, 'cause sometimes we have
394
00:14:17.870 --> 00:14:20.520
these high expectations that an app is gonna fix
395
00:14:20.520 --> 00:14:21.353
it or whatever.
396
00:14:22.364 --> 00:14:23.300
But at the same time I will say it doesn't matter.
397
00:14:23.300 --> 00:14:25.360
Just like any program, if you don't train me how to use
398
00:14:25.360 --> 00:14:27.280
it I'm not gonna use it, right.
399
00:14:27.280 --> 00:14:30.440
And so one of the big trainings that we can give
400
00:14:30.440 --> 00:14:32.230
students is knowing the difference between
401
00:14:32.230 --> 00:14:33.844
snitching and reporting.
402
00:14:33.844 --> 00:14:37.410
'Cause to them it's snitching, right.
403
00:14:37.410 --> 00:14:39.308
To us it's reporting because we're adults.
404
00:14:39.308 --> 00:14:42.210
We know that we can help.
405
00:14:42.210 --> 00:14:44.110
We can come in and intervene
406
00:14:44.110 --> 00:14:45.600
if something is really happening.
407
00:14:45.600 --> 00:14:47.670
But to them it's still stitching.
408
00:14:47.670 --> 00:14:49.920
And I know this because I went through this, you know.
409
00:14:49.920 --> 00:14:51.590
Part of my background is that I was picked on in
410
00:14:51.590 --> 00:14:53.720
middle school and I didn't say a word.
411
00:14:53.720 --> 00:14:55.361
Why?
412
00:14:55.361 --> 00:14:56.700
Because of the stigma around snitching.
413
00:14:56.700 --> 00:14:58.901
You know, we used to say that snitches get stitches.
414
00:14:58.901 --> 00:15:02.150
In other words, there was some kind of a physical
415
00:15:02.150 --> 00:15:04.411
consequence for me telling the truth.
416
00:15:04.411 --> 00:15:06.993
Now, for kids it's exactly the same.
417
00:15:06.993 --> 00:15:08.140
The times have changed.
418
00:15:08.140 --> 00:15:09.530
They don't use that anymore,
419
00:15:09.530 --> 00:15:11.120
but it's in here.
420
00:15:11.120 --> 00:15:13.340
Remember, bullying is very psychological.
421
00:15:13.340 --> 00:15:15.700
And so you always think about worst case scenarios
422
00:15:15.700 --> 00:15:16.533
in your mind.
423
00:15:16.533 --> 00:15:19.110
And that fear will keep you from actually speaking up.
424
00:15:19.110 --> 00:15:21.700
So, here's the difference between snitching
425
00:15:22.993 --> 00:15:23.826
and reporting that I teach kids, all right.
426
00:15:23.826 --> 00:15:25.270
So, snitching, and it's very simple.
427
00:15:25.270 --> 00:15:28.120
Again, you make it simple for students to understand.
428
00:15:28.120 --> 00:15:31.170
Snitching is telling the truth,
429
00:15:31.170 --> 00:15:33.410
but wanting somebody to get in trouble.
430
00:15:33.410 --> 00:15:34.243
That's a snitch, right.
431
00:15:34.243 --> 00:15:35.450
I want to see results.
432
00:15:35.450 --> 00:15:38.104
And the results, right, he better go down, right.
433
00:15:38.104 --> 00:15:39.016
He better get in trouble.
434
00:15:39.016 --> 00:15:40.180
He better get, you know, that's snitching.
435
00:15:40.180 --> 00:15:41.140
Remember it's all in your mind.
436
00:15:41.140 --> 00:15:43.950
However, reporting is telling the truth
437
00:15:43.950 --> 00:15:45.850
to an adult about what's going on,
438
00:15:45.850 --> 00:15:47.460
but wanting them to get help.
439
00:15:47.460 --> 00:15:49.340
Snitching, I want you to get in trouble.
440
00:15:49.340 --> 00:15:51.910
Reporting, I want you to get help.
441
00:15:51.910 --> 00:15:52.790
You see there's a big difference,
442
00:15:52.790 --> 00:15:54.930
even though you're saying the same thing, right.
443
00:15:54.930 --> 00:15:57.350
And then I also give examples just to kind of help
444
00:15:57.350 --> 00:15:59.793
student, 'cause sometimes students are like,
445
00:15:59.793 --> 00:16:01.223
yeah, but I still don't know what that looks like.
446
00:16:01.223 --> 00:16:02.520
Well, you know, at the end of the year
447
00:16:02.520 --> 00:16:05.160
after you finish all your grades and the school
448
00:16:05.160 --> 00:16:08.470
usually send home what we call a snitch card, right.
449
00:16:08.470 --> 00:16:09.580
No, it's not a snitch card.
450
00:16:09.580 --> 00:16:10.413
What is it?
451
00:16:10.413 --> 00:16:11.910
It's a report card.
Report card.
452
00:16:11.910 --> 00:16:13.500
So, we're reporting information.
453
00:16:13.500 --> 00:16:14.886
What are we doing?
454
00:16:14.886 --> 00:16:16.010
All we're doing is stating the facts.
455
00:16:16.010 --> 00:16:17.638
Now, whether you get in trouble
456
00:16:17.638 --> 00:16:20.890
that's not on the school who sent the report card.
457
00:16:20.890 --> 00:16:21.820
It's on you.
458
00:16:21.820 --> 00:16:24.000
Same thing for students.
459
00:16:24.000 --> 00:16:26.240
When someone decides to do something wrong
460
00:16:26.240 --> 00:16:28.690
they also decided to get in trouble when they
461
00:16:28.690 --> 00:16:29.730
thought about doing it.
462
00:16:29.730 --> 00:16:32.560
Before they take something, a weapon to school, for example,
463
00:16:32.560 --> 00:16:34.670
they got in trouble the moment they decided to take
464
00:16:34.670 --> 00:16:36.260
that weapon to school, see that?
465
00:16:36.260 --> 00:16:37.610
They decided for themselves.
466
00:16:37.610 --> 00:16:38.760
I didn't decide that.
467
00:16:38.760 --> 00:16:41.460
All I did was report, 'cause we need help.
468
00:16:41.460 --> 00:16:43.377
If I don't say something then something might happen.
469
00:16:43.377 --> 00:16:46.250
And not only to me but maybe to that kid.
470
00:16:46.250 --> 00:16:47.571
So, I'm gonna report 'cause I want that person to get help,
471
00:16:47.571 --> 00:16:48.783
you see?
472
00:16:49.630 --> 00:16:52.010
Even the news, like news, you know, we don't call
473
00:16:52.010 --> 00:16:53.070
them snitchers.
474
00:16:53.070 --> 00:16:55.070
Hey, you see that guy snitching on that company
475
00:16:55.070 --> 00:16:56.500
who's doing bad things.
476
00:16:56.500 --> 00:16:57.490
No, we call them what?
477
00:16:57.490 --> 00:16:59.290
We call them news reporters.
478
00:16:59.290 --> 00:17:01.124
All their doing is reporting the facts.
479
00:17:01.124 --> 00:17:02.330
And why do we do that?
480
00:17:02.330 --> 00:17:04.710
Why, and if the company gets in trouble
481
00:17:04.710 --> 00:17:05.840
it's on the company.
482
00:17:05.840 --> 00:17:07.340
It's not on the reporter.
483
00:17:07.340 --> 00:17:08.250
The company's not gonna be like,
484
00:17:08.250 --> 00:17:10.489
I can't wait to get that reporter, right,
485
00:17:10.489 --> 00:17:12.310
'cause he's reporting the facts about us.
486
00:17:12.310 --> 00:17:14.040
For us, man, we want to be in the business
487
00:17:14.040 --> 00:17:15.490
of helping people.
488
00:17:15.490 --> 00:17:18.030
And you do that by reporting students,
489
00:17:18.030 --> 00:17:20.384
because it's not normal behavior to put
490
00:17:20.384 --> 00:17:22.600
your hands on other people,
491
00:17:22.600 --> 00:17:24.125
to bring something to school,
492
00:17:24.125 --> 00:17:26.860
to call me names everyday to call me out.
493
00:17:26.860 --> 00:17:28.330
That is not normal behavior.
494
00:17:28.330 --> 00:17:30.260
So, they need to unlearn that behavior,
495
00:17:30.260 --> 00:17:32.790
or learn that that behavior is not normal.
496
00:17:32.790 --> 00:17:34.200
That's such a powerful mindset.
497
00:17:34.200 --> 00:17:35.490
Yeah, it is.
498
00:17:35.490 --> 00:17:37.550
So, Fabian, you mentioned that you were bullied
499
00:17:37.550 --> 00:17:39.293
in middle school.
500
00:17:39.293 --> 00:17:40.490
Can you share more about your experience?
501
00:17:40.490 --> 00:17:41.570
How did that effect you?
502
00:17:41.570 --> 00:17:42.480
Sure, absolutely.
503
00:17:42.480 --> 00:17:45.220
It actually happened on the first day of middle school,
504
00:17:45.220 --> 00:17:47.120
which is ironic, you know, 'cause I love going to
505
00:17:47.120 --> 00:17:48.668
middle school.
506
00:17:48.668 --> 00:17:50.390
In fact, the number one age group that I talk to
507
00:17:50.390 --> 00:17:51.660
are usually those middle school students.
508
00:17:51.660 --> 00:17:53.330
It's weird, I go back.
509
00:17:53.330 --> 00:17:56.210
You know, sometimes what was supposed to be bad
510
00:17:56.210 --> 00:17:58.110
for you you can always turn it over for good.
511
00:17:58.110 --> 00:17:59.293
And that's what I like to do, just be able to,
512
00:17:59.293 --> 00:18:01.864
and that's the whole healed people heal people.
513
00:18:01.864 --> 00:18:04.360
I can help share my experience and maybe help
514
00:18:04.360 --> 00:18:07.210
some of the kids in the process.
515
00:18:07.210 --> 00:18:08.590
Yeah, it was very difficult.
516
00:18:08.590 --> 00:18:10.500
There was a gang member who was selling drugs
517
00:18:10.500 --> 00:18:12.290
on campus actually, that's what he was doing.
518
00:18:12.290 --> 00:18:14.905
And he assaulted me 'cause I didn't wanna
519
00:18:14.905 --> 00:18:15.738
purchase off of him.
520
00:18:15.738 --> 00:18:16.700
You know, I mean, who would want to on the first
521
00:18:16.700 --> 00:18:17.798
day of school.
522
00:18:17.798 --> 00:18:19.900
I had this upbringing that's more like,
523
00:18:19.900 --> 00:18:21.500
hey, if you get in trouble, or don't do this,
524
00:18:21.500 --> 00:18:24.160
don't do that, and my cultural norms were different.
525
00:18:24.160 --> 00:18:26.100
So, it dictated my behavior.
526
00:18:26.100 --> 00:18:28.740
And so I never even thought about that.
527
00:18:28.740 --> 00:18:30.800
And so I was assaulted,
528
00:18:30.800 --> 00:18:33.140
and because of another cultural norm was like,
529
00:18:33.140 --> 00:18:34.150
I knew about snitching.
530
00:18:34.150 --> 00:18:35.610
That's why I didn't say a word.
531
00:18:35.610 --> 00:18:37.210
And that's why I'm real big on those,
532
00:18:37.210 --> 00:18:40.220
even those concepts and training kids on no,
533
00:18:40.220 --> 00:18:42.288
here's how my life could have been different.
534
00:18:42.288 --> 00:18:44.680
So, one of the ways that it actually effected me
535
00:18:44.680 --> 00:18:46.362
overall after it's all said and done
536
00:18:46.362 --> 00:18:50.740
was that I had a victim mentality,
537
00:18:50.740 --> 00:18:52.460
and I held it for a long time, all the way
538
00:18:52.460 --> 00:18:54.237
up to my high school experience.
539
00:18:54.237 --> 00:18:57.416
And a victim mentality looks like this.
540
00:18:57.416 --> 00:19:00.160
A victim will walk into a school,
541
00:19:00.160 --> 00:19:02.700
or any establishment, but let's just say school
542
00:19:02.700 --> 00:19:05.530
since we're talking to parent of students.
543
00:19:05.530 --> 00:19:07.808
A student will walk into a school and think to themselves
544
00:19:07.808 --> 00:19:10.176
man, how are other people gonna treat me.
545
00:19:10.176 --> 00:19:12.736
In other words the focus is always on other people.
546
00:19:12.736 --> 00:19:14.378
I'm almost on the defense, you know.
547
00:19:14.378 --> 00:19:17.880
I almost walk in, like, scared, kind of like what's
548
00:19:17.880 --> 00:19:19.670
gonna happen to me, you know.
549
00:19:19.670 --> 00:19:20.773
Of course I'm not gonna want to go into school.
550
00:19:20.773 --> 00:19:23.696
It's like I'm walking in like leaning back.
551
00:19:23.696 --> 00:19:26.069
Yeah, I'm not gonna wanna go to school.
552
00:19:26.069 --> 00:19:28.690
I did start to skip some classes,
553
00:19:28.690 --> 00:19:31.786
especially those around, his name was Jose.
554
00:19:31.786 --> 00:19:35.230
And so, whenever I had Jose in my class
555
00:19:35.230 --> 00:19:37.810
I would try to skip those classes.
556
00:19:37.810 --> 00:19:38.643
Why?
557
00:19:38.643 --> 00:19:41.880
Because no one wants to be around unstable people.
558
00:19:41.880 --> 00:19:43.760
If you've ever been picked on that person becomes
559
00:19:43.760 --> 00:19:45.070
unstable to you.
560
00:19:45.070 --> 00:19:48.900
So, it's hard for students to learn and thrive academically
561
00:19:48.900 --> 00:19:50.810
in an unstable environment.
562
00:19:50.810 --> 00:19:53.061
And sometimes a physical school location can be that
563
00:19:53.061 --> 00:19:54.400
for students.
564
00:19:54.400 --> 00:19:56.230
It's an unstable environment.
565
00:19:56.230 --> 00:19:57.930
So yeah, I started to skip school.
566
00:19:59.011 --> 00:20:02.200
Victim mentality is that.
567
00:20:02.200 --> 00:20:04.413
Your focus is always on other people.
568
00:20:04.413 --> 00:20:08.530
Now, I learned that what leaders, how leaders act.
569
00:20:08.530 --> 00:20:10.875
And I say leaders, but it could be normal,
570
00:20:10.875 --> 00:20:13.990
healthy, just thriving people who want to succeed
571
00:20:13.990 --> 00:20:15.440
and do well in life.
572
00:20:15.440 --> 00:20:18.360
They walk into a school and they think to themselves,
573
00:20:18.360 --> 00:20:20.221
how can I treat other people.
574
00:20:20.221 --> 00:20:23.387
The focus is on how they're treating people,
575
00:20:23.387 --> 00:20:25.920
not on how others are treating them, you see that?
576
00:20:25.920 --> 00:20:29.690
So, as victims a lot of times, victims usually
577
00:20:29.690 --> 00:20:31.037
like to stay victims.
578
00:20:31.037 --> 00:20:33.680
Well, and sometimes just because they don't
579
00:20:33.680 --> 00:20:34.980
reach out for help.
580
00:20:34.980 --> 00:20:37.326
They don't reach out to those caring adults in their
581
00:20:37.326 --> 00:20:39.560
life that they have to ask, hey,
582
00:20:39.560 --> 00:20:40.770
can you help me with this situation.
583
00:20:40.770 --> 00:20:42.720
Or, can I talk through some things that I
584
00:20:42.720 --> 00:20:44.570
still wanna hang on to.
585
00:20:44.570 --> 00:20:47.400
And so, and this happens so much, you know,
586
00:20:47.400 --> 00:20:48.920
especially with guys.
587
00:20:48.920 --> 00:20:51.932
There's a huge difference between guys and the way
588
00:20:51.932 --> 00:20:54.194
girls communicate, and we know this.
589
00:20:54.194 --> 00:20:57.100
And I say this in schools, but the majority
590
00:20:57.100 --> 00:21:00.800
of people who get in trouble in life in general are guys.
591
00:21:00.800 --> 00:21:02.064
Why?
592
00:21:02.064 --> 00:21:04.280
'Cause we have that victim mentality.
593
00:21:04.280 --> 00:21:06.530
Not only that, but we don't like to vent.
594
00:21:06.530 --> 00:21:08.840
We don't like to share our emotions, you know.
595
00:21:08.840 --> 00:21:12.392
So, I always tell guys, hey, you need to learn
596
00:21:12.392 --> 00:21:14.727
that's a skill you need to learn, right.
597
00:21:15.592 --> 00:21:16.612
You don't wanna stay a victim.
598
00:21:16.612 --> 00:21:17.598
You want to be a leader.
599
00:21:17.598 --> 00:21:18.610
I want you to walk head up high.
600
00:21:18.610 --> 00:21:20.760
Walk into school and be like man,
601
00:21:20.760 --> 00:21:22.570
I'm on the offense, right.
602
00:21:22.570 --> 00:21:23.530
I'm in control.
603
00:21:23.530 --> 00:21:26.000
I'm not gonna give my power away to other people.
604
00:21:26.000 --> 00:21:27.990
And that's what happens with victims,
605
00:21:27.990 --> 00:21:29.720
you give your power away.
606
00:21:29.720 --> 00:21:32.510
And now my focus is always on other people.
607
00:21:32.510 --> 00:21:35.870
And we want kids to be safe for one, but two we want
608
00:21:35.870 --> 00:21:38.500
them to also walk in going man, I'm in charge of my life.
609
00:21:38.500 --> 00:21:39.872
I'm gonna do well today in school.
610
00:21:39.872 --> 00:21:44.438
So Fabian, why did you not, did you not have the policy
611
00:21:44.438 --> 00:21:47.300
or support in place when you were going through
612
00:21:47.300 --> 00:21:49.196
bullying yourself, or.
613
00:21:49.196 --> 00:21:53.430
Well, it goes back, it goes back to the cultural norms
614
00:21:53.430 --> 00:21:54.520
that I adopted.
615
00:21:54.520 --> 00:21:58.350
And not every cultural norm is obviously positive.
616
00:21:58.350 --> 00:22:00.370
So, one of the negative cultural norms
617
00:22:00.370 --> 00:22:03.890
that I kind of implemented in my life was about
618
00:22:03.890 --> 00:22:05.790
not wanting to be a snitch.
619
00:22:05.790 --> 00:22:07.170
And I had a older brother.
620
00:22:07.170 --> 00:22:09.037
We would watch like gangster movies.
621
00:22:09.037 --> 00:22:11.358
This is why you gotta be careful what you watch,
622
00:22:11.358 --> 00:22:13.237
the music you listen to,
623
00:22:13.237 --> 00:22:15.240
you know, everything has a message in it.
624
00:22:15.240 --> 00:22:17.540
And some of those gangster movies the message behind
625
00:22:17.540 --> 00:22:18.978
that movie was don't be a snitch.
626
00:22:18.978 --> 00:22:23.550
And I actually saw how one gang would
627
00:22:23.550 --> 00:22:26.410
rival another gang, and certain things would happen,
628
00:22:26.410 --> 00:22:29.832
and for me I honestly though, if I don't say a word
629
00:22:29.832 --> 00:22:32.504
then my family's safe.
630
00:22:32.504 --> 00:22:35.789
You know, I'm helping my family by not saying anything.
631
00:22:35.789 --> 00:22:38.220
Remember, this was a gang member who was picking on me.
632
00:22:38.220 --> 00:22:40.600
So, I don't know what his reach was,
633
00:22:40.600 --> 00:22:41.954
and I'm 12 years old at this point.
634
00:22:41.954 --> 00:22:44.840
And so, I was like, I'm helping my family
635
00:22:44.840 --> 00:22:45.760
by not saying a word.
636
00:22:45.760 --> 00:22:47.717
Really, when you don't report
637
00:22:47.717 --> 00:22:50.360
you become the most vulnerable.
638
00:22:50.360 --> 00:22:51.706
And that's the truth.
639
00:22:51.706 --> 00:22:54.480
That's why it's so hard to report because
640
00:22:54.480 --> 00:22:57.240
that person, yeah, something might happen to them.
641
00:22:57.240 --> 00:22:58.890
They might get in trouble for whatever reason.
642
00:22:58.890 --> 00:23:01.153
But remember they decided to get in trouble, not me.
643
00:23:01.153 --> 00:23:03.000
I wish I would have had that kind of training,
644
00:23:03.000 --> 00:23:04.890
or had somebody to kind of put their arm
645
00:23:04.890 --> 00:23:07.030
around me when I'm 12 years old and say hey,
646
00:23:07.030 --> 00:23:09.050
here's one way that you can deal with it.
647
00:23:09.050 --> 00:23:11.050
Yes, the principle was in place and they would say
648
00:23:11.050 --> 00:23:13.080
certain things like, you can come up to us
649
00:23:13.080 --> 00:23:14.250
at any time.
650
00:23:14.250 --> 00:23:16.535
But at the same time I also had that,
651
00:23:16.535 --> 00:23:18.349
I don't want to be a snitch.
652
00:23:18.349 --> 00:23:20.880
And so, not saying something I thought was helping me.
653
00:23:20.880 --> 00:23:22.390
I became the most vulnerable.
654
00:23:22.390 --> 00:23:24.780
Okay, can I, I wanna switch gears
655
00:23:24.780 --> 00:23:26.096
a little here.
656
00:23:26.096 --> 00:23:27.141
Sure.
657
00:23:27.141 --> 00:23:28.359
And say, if you saw your,
658
00:23:28.359 --> 00:23:31.690
if you walked into a room and your 12 year old
659
00:23:31.690 --> 00:23:35.006
self was at at table like you and I are today,
660
00:23:35.006 --> 00:23:37.250
what advice would you give him?
661
00:23:37.250 --> 00:23:41.010
Well, I would give myself some advice to say
662
00:23:41.010 --> 00:23:42.162
it's gonna be okay.
663
00:23:42.162 --> 00:23:45.170
You know, but when you're 12 your perspective
664
00:23:45.170 --> 00:23:46.740
is your reality.
665
00:23:46.740 --> 00:23:49.100
And at that age you think that the problems
666
00:23:49.100 --> 00:23:51.300
you have you're gonna have forever.
667
00:23:51.300 --> 00:23:52.444
And that is not true.
668
00:23:52.444 --> 00:23:55.790
It's only temporary, right.
669
00:23:55.790 --> 00:24:00.330
And sometimes people end up taking permanent solutions,
670
00:24:00.330 --> 00:24:04.562
and I'll just say it, because it is what it is,
671
00:24:04.562 --> 00:24:05.790
and I get it a lot.
672
00:24:05.790 --> 00:24:08.400
But sometimes when kids have crazy thoughts of ending
673
00:24:08.400 --> 00:24:11.156
their life, that is a permanent solution
674
00:24:11.156 --> 00:24:13.183
to temporary problems.
675
00:24:13.183 --> 00:24:16.916
And usually when kids have temporary problems
676
00:24:16.916 --> 00:24:18.900
there's not enough adults in their lives.
677
00:24:18.900 --> 00:24:22.300
The more kids in their corner the more they
678
00:24:22.300 --> 00:24:23.860
can get through problems and issues.
679
00:24:23.860 --> 00:24:26.120
So, what happens is when kids have issues
680
00:24:26.120 --> 00:24:27.620
and they're not reaching out,
681
00:24:27.620 --> 00:24:29.551
or we're not seeing the warning signs,
682
00:24:29.551 --> 00:24:33.230
man, there's not enough like people in their corner.
683
00:24:33.230 --> 00:24:35.950
Just like a boxer, the most successful boxers
684
00:24:35.950 --> 00:24:37.500
are those who have a lot of people in their corner.
685
00:24:37.500 --> 00:24:38.810
They come out and they're ready, and they're ready
686
00:24:38.810 --> 00:24:40.282
to go at it.
687
00:24:40.282 --> 00:24:41.115
They can perform.
688
00:24:41.115 --> 00:24:41.948
Well, same thing for students.
689
00:24:41.948 --> 00:24:43.980
It's hard for students to perform well when
690
00:24:43.980 --> 00:24:45.658
they don't have anybody in their corner.
691
00:24:45.658 --> 00:24:47.930
Just to take that analogy back,
692
00:24:47.930 --> 00:24:49.960
and you can see them sitting down
693
00:24:49.960 --> 00:24:53.167
at the corner and the other guy who's their bully
694
00:24:53.167 --> 00:24:54.470
has all his friends.
695
00:24:54.470 --> 00:24:56.270
He has all his gang members around him,
696
00:24:56.270 --> 00:24:59.290
and here I am sitting in the corner by myself, you know.
697
00:24:59.290 --> 00:25:02.270
Because I didn't reach out, and I didn't report,
698
00:25:02.270 --> 00:25:04.260
and I didn't ask anybody to help me,
699
00:25:04.260 --> 00:25:06.628
and so you can kind of visualize that.
700
00:25:06.628 --> 00:25:09.430
And the bell's about to ring and I gotta get
701
00:25:09.430 --> 00:25:11.010
back up and I gotta go back to class.
702
00:25:11.010 --> 00:25:11.843
You see that?
703
00:25:11.843 --> 00:25:13.690
And so, we gotta help kids.
704
00:25:13.690 --> 00:25:14.840
And yeah, it was hard.
705
00:25:14.840 --> 00:25:18.053
It was difficult, but as parents
706
00:25:18.053 --> 00:25:20.010
that why we gotta come in and say,
707
00:25:20.010 --> 00:25:22.380
not just me, but other caring adults.
708
00:25:22.380 --> 00:25:24.740
Let's introduce our kids to other adults
709
00:25:24.740 --> 00:25:26.380
that they can reach out to when somethings happening.
710
00:25:26.380 --> 00:25:28.290
Great.
711
00:25:28.290 --> 00:25:30.980
Fabian, kids often emulate their parents.
712
00:25:30.980 --> 00:25:33.660
What is one way that we can rethink the way that we
713
00:25:33.660 --> 00:25:34.746
treat other people.
714
00:25:34.746 --> 00:25:38.980
Yeah, so my biggest take away that I like to give
715
00:25:38.980 --> 00:25:42.870
to kids is, you know, we can't control
716
00:25:42.870 --> 00:25:44.560
how other people treat us.
717
00:25:44.560 --> 00:25:46.884
The only thing that we can control is our response.
718
00:25:46.884 --> 00:25:50.040
And so, I like to, hey, let's talk about our response.
719
00:25:50.040 --> 00:25:51.815
How do we respond.
720
00:25:51.815 --> 00:25:53.480
I have a seven year old.
721
00:25:53.480 --> 00:25:55.370
When my seven year old comes up and says
722
00:25:55.370 --> 00:25:56.540
so in so said this to me,
723
00:25:56.540 --> 00:25:58.270
my number one question to her is,
724
00:25:58.270 --> 00:26:00.410
well, how did you respond, all right.
725
00:26:00.410 --> 00:26:02.010
'Cause that's what I wanna know.
726
00:26:02.010 --> 00:26:03.170
How did you respond?
727
00:26:03.170 --> 00:26:07.180
And so, I like her to respond with the Golden Rule.
728
00:26:07.180 --> 00:26:09.285
And usually I coach her on how to do that.
729
00:26:09.285 --> 00:26:12.340
Well, let's talk about there's a difference between
730
00:26:12.340 --> 00:26:13.730
how people usually respond.
731
00:26:13.730 --> 00:26:15.790
And that's what I want to talk to parents about
732
00:26:15.790 --> 00:26:18.580
at this moment, 'cause most people respond
733
00:26:18.580 --> 00:26:20.690
with the Law of Reciprocity.
734
00:26:20.690 --> 00:26:22.559
And the Law of Reciprocity says this,
735
00:26:22.559 --> 00:26:26.830
when you're nice to me I'm nice to you, right.
736
00:26:26.830 --> 00:26:27.860
That's easy.
737
00:26:27.860 --> 00:26:29.640
When a student is nice to another student
738
00:26:29.640 --> 00:26:30.922
then that student is nice back.
739
00:26:30.922 --> 00:26:33.900
That's how most people live their lives.
740
00:26:33.900 --> 00:26:36.340
However, the only thing that's wrong
741
00:26:36.340 --> 00:26:38.239
with the Law of Reciprocity is this,
742
00:26:38.239 --> 00:26:42.670
the moment you're mean to me then I'm gonna be what?
743
00:26:42.670 --> 00:26:44.362
I'm gonna be mean back.
744
00:26:44.362 --> 00:26:47.380
'Cause I'm gonna reciprocate the energy
745
00:26:47.380 --> 00:26:49.697
you're giving to me, in other words, right.
746
00:26:49.697 --> 00:26:50.530
That's the law of reciprocity.
747
00:26:50.530 --> 00:26:51.872
That's how most people live their lives.
748
00:26:51.872 --> 00:26:54.340
And we're talking about the Golden Rule.
749
00:26:54.340 --> 00:26:57.200
Now, the Golden Rule is to treat others
750
00:26:57.200 --> 00:26:59.410
the way you want to be treated, right.
751
00:26:59.410 --> 00:27:00.673
And everybody knows the Golden Rule.
752
00:27:00.673 --> 00:27:02.200
From the time that they're little kids,
753
00:27:02.200 --> 00:27:04.610
every school I go to they know the Golden Rule.
754
00:27:04.610 --> 00:27:06.978
And I always ask, how do you like to be treated then?
755
00:27:06.978 --> 00:27:10.731
Good, nice, kind, respect, those kind of words.
756
00:27:10.731 --> 00:27:13.180
And so, I say okay, well if we're supposed to
757
00:27:13.180 --> 00:27:15.290
treat others the way you want to be treated,
758
00:27:15.290 --> 00:27:16.680
how are you gonna treat people?
759
00:27:16.680 --> 00:27:17.983
Kind, nice, respect.
760
00:27:17.983 --> 00:27:20.077
Then I go back to the teaching.
761
00:27:20.077 --> 00:27:23.360
I say look, the Golden Rule was meant to be implemented
762
00:27:23.360 --> 00:27:25.710
on people who aren't mean to you.
763
00:27:25.710 --> 00:27:27.050
Most people know the Golden Rule,
764
00:27:27.050 --> 00:27:29.470
but very few people actually implement the Golden Rule.
765
00:27:29.470 --> 00:27:31.695
Everybody lives by the Law of Reciprocity.
766
00:27:31.695 --> 00:27:34.640
Because we live on this, you know, you do me wrong
767
00:27:34.640 --> 00:27:35.970
I'm gonna do you wrong.
768
00:27:35.970 --> 00:27:37.460
You say something about me, man, I'm gonna say
769
00:27:37.460 --> 00:27:39.310
something about you and it's gonna be worse.
770
00:27:39.310 --> 00:27:41.350
'Cause everybody, especially again with guys,
771
00:27:41.350 --> 00:27:43.640
what you don't talk out you act out.
772
00:27:43.640 --> 00:27:45.410
I'm gonna show you who's gonna be the alpha male
773
00:27:45.410 --> 00:27:46.920
on campus, right.
774
00:27:46.920 --> 00:27:49.240
And so, we're just gonna go at it.
775
00:27:49.240 --> 00:27:50.650
And I'm gonna win.
776
00:27:50.650 --> 00:27:54.440
The result is I'm gonna win whatever necessary, right.
777
00:27:54.440 --> 00:27:57.400
And I say no, let's go back to the Golden Rule, right,
778
00:27:57.400 --> 00:28:00.690
what we've learned from first grade, second grade.
779
00:28:00.690 --> 00:28:04.300
I'm gonna treat people with love, kindness, respect,
780
00:28:04.300 --> 00:28:05.660
no matter how they treat me.
781
00:28:05.660 --> 00:28:06.950
I'm gonna pause right there for a second,
782
00:28:06.950 --> 00:28:08.511
because watch this.
783
00:28:08.511 --> 00:28:12.095
I'm not saying for you to run over me, right.
784
00:28:12.095 --> 00:28:13.650
I'm not saying that.
785
00:28:13.650 --> 00:28:15.658
In fact, if someone puts their hands on you physically,
786
00:28:15.658 --> 00:28:17.898
then it's a crime.
787
00:28:17.898 --> 00:28:19.495
You need to report that.
788
00:28:19.495 --> 00:28:21.720
So, that's why I always pause right there
789
00:28:21.720 --> 00:28:23.210
'cause I always say that.
790
00:28:23.210 --> 00:28:25.190
I'll tell kids I'm gonna treat people with
791
00:28:25.190 --> 00:28:27.587
love, kindness, and respect no matter how they treat me.
792
00:28:27.587 --> 00:28:30.540
And then I'll say, no, I'm not gonna let you
793
00:28:30.540 --> 00:28:32.360
run over me though, right.
794
00:28:32.360 --> 00:28:34.610
But I'm gonna put my flag in the ground
795
00:28:34.610 --> 00:28:36.710
and you're gonna know where I stand.
796
00:28:36.710 --> 00:28:38.370
Everyday I come to school you're gonna know I'm
797
00:28:38.370 --> 00:28:40.580
gonna show love, kindness, respect to people.
798
00:28:40.580 --> 00:28:42.880
You know, regardless of how they treat me.
799
00:28:42.880 --> 00:28:46.570
In fact, if someone treats me bad two things are happening.
800
00:28:46.570 --> 00:28:49.470
Number one, they're either hurting about something,
801
00:28:49.470 --> 00:28:51.650
and we've kind of already talked about that.
802
00:28:51.650 --> 00:28:54.970
Or two, I haven't trained you how I like to be treated yet.
803
00:28:54.970 --> 00:28:56.470
See that?
804
00:28:56.470 --> 00:28:58.431
Funny how I'm back in control now, yeah.
805
00:28:58.431 --> 00:29:01.183
Someone picks on me, I'm not losing control.
806
00:29:01.183 --> 00:29:02.830
They want me to lose control.
807
00:29:02.830 --> 00:29:05.390
In fact, if I lose control that probably gives them
808
00:29:05.390 --> 00:29:07.520
more control, right, more power.
809
00:29:07.520 --> 00:29:09.970
In fact, they want some kind of response,
810
00:29:09.970 --> 00:29:12.550
but that's the only thing I can control, right.
811
00:29:12.550 --> 00:29:14.220
I can't control how you treat me.
812
00:29:14.220 --> 00:29:16.141
The only thing I can control is my response.
813
00:29:16.141 --> 00:29:18.220
So, if you're picking on me, man you're either
814
00:29:18.220 --> 00:29:19.070
hurting about something.
815
00:29:19.070 --> 00:29:20.100
It's not about me.
816
00:29:20.100 --> 00:29:21.070
It's about you.
817
00:29:21.070 --> 00:29:25.567
Or two, I haven't trained you how I want to be treated yet.
818
00:29:25.567 --> 00:29:26.400
See, I'm training people man.
819
00:29:26.400 --> 00:29:28.990
The students, I show up to school, you're
820
00:29:28.990 --> 00:29:30.900
training your teachers how you want to be treated.
821
00:29:30.900 --> 00:29:33.180
You're training each other how you want to be treated.
822
00:29:33.180 --> 00:29:34.300
And that's the truth, everyday.
823
00:29:34.300 --> 00:29:35.150
It's empowering.
824
00:29:35.150 --> 00:29:36.684
Yes, very much.
825
00:29:36.684 --> 00:29:39.333
So, what is the main goal you'd like to,
826
00:29:40.211 --> 00:29:41.355
parents to instill in their kids?
827
00:29:41.355 --> 00:29:45.387
You know, this answer is pretty, it's pretty simple.
828
00:29:45.387 --> 00:29:49.010
And the main goal is for their kids to be resilient.
829
00:29:49.010 --> 00:29:52.220
And we throw that name around, especially that word
830
00:29:52.220 --> 00:29:54.794
around a lot especially when you talk about bullying
831
00:29:54.794 --> 00:29:57.720
because the end result is resiliency.
832
00:29:57.720 --> 00:30:01.515
And resiliency it's just taking something apart
833
00:30:01.515 --> 00:30:04.330
and then putting it back together so that
834
00:30:04.330 --> 00:30:06.320
it can function the way it used to, you know.
835
00:30:06.320 --> 00:30:08.620
When we were kids we had this little doll that
836
00:30:10.100 --> 00:30:12.010
he had rubber arms and rubber neck,
837
00:30:12.010 --> 00:30:13.846
and you can year him.
838
00:30:13.846 --> 00:30:14.679
Stretch Armstrong.
839
00:30:14.679 --> 00:30:15.512
Yeah, Stretch Armstrong, Stretch Armstrong,
840
00:30:15.512 --> 00:30:17.245
and we used to stretch his arms.
841
00:30:17.245 --> 00:30:18.267
And then you let it go and body comes back,
842
00:30:18.267 --> 00:30:20.190
and he can function again.
843
00:30:20.190 --> 00:30:23.360
Okay, that is like a picture of resiliency for a student.
844
00:30:23.360 --> 00:30:25.280
You know, when I show up to school you say something bad
845
00:30:25.280 --> 00:30:27.360
about me, I work it out.
846
00:30:27.360 --> 00:30:29.180
I look for a way to work it out.
847
00:30:29.180 --> 00:30:32.190
I resolve the conflict that I have at school.
848
00:30:32.190 --> 00:30:34.150
And then I can function again.
849
00:30:34.150 --> 00:30:35.560
I don't fall apart.
850
00:30:35.560 --> 00:30:38.540
And so, if your kid falls apart every single time
851
00:30:38.540 --> 00:30:41.420
he's not resilient to what's coming his way.
852
00:30:41.420 --> 00:30:42.990
We want kids to get to a point where they
853
00:30:42.990 --> 00:30:44.860
can walk into a school and say,
854
00:30:44.860 --> 00:30:48.477
man, I can handle anything that comes my way.
855
00:30:48.477 --> 00:30:49.430
Why?
856
00:30:49.430 --> 00:30:52.810
Because not by myself, but sometimes with the adults
857
00:30:52.810 --> 00:30:55.470
that I have around me, 'cause my mom and dad
858
00:30:55.470 --> 00:30:57.347
said if anything happens you let me know,
859
00:30:57.347 --> 00:30:59.100
and we're gonna work through this situation.
860
00:30:59.100 --> 00:31:01.950
There's not a problem that we can't solve together.
861
00:31:01.950 --> 00:31:04.490
And we're gonna, we're a team.
862
00:31:04.490 --> 00:31:06.050
We're gonna do this, you know.
863
00:31:06.050 --> 00:31:08.070
And so we want kids to walk in resilient
864
00:31:08.070 --> 00:31:10.610
to the point where it's like, you don't like me,
865
00:31:10.610 --> 00:31:12.050
well you know not everybody's gonna like me.
866
00:31:12.050 --> 00:31:13.736
And I okay with that.
867
00:31:13.736 --> 00:31:14.739
I gotta move on.
868
00:31:14.739 --> 00:31:17.464
You don't want to be my friend today,
869
00:31:17.464 --> 00:31:19.277
I have other friends too.
870
00:31:19.277 --> 00:31:20.970
But we're gonna work it out.
871
00:31:20.970 --> 00:31:23.210
We're gonna resolve our differences, you know.
872
00:31:23.210 --> 00:31:24.720
We'll have enemies.
873
00:31:24.720 --> 00:31:26.126
That might happen some days.
874
00:31:26.126 --> 00:31:27.920
Some people just don't like each other
875
00:31:27.920 --> 00:31:29.240
for whatever reason.
876
00:31:29.240 --> 00:31:30.584
Where two or three people are always together
877
00:31:30.584 --> 00:31:32.585
there's always gonna be conflict.
878
00:31:32.585 --> 00:31:35.000
But you should always live in such a way
879
00:31:35.000 --> 00:31:37.150
where even your enemies respect you.
880
00:31:37.150 --> 00:31:38.750
And that's one of the things that we can get
881
00:31:38.750 --> 00:31:41.050
across to students is man,
882
00:31:41.050 --> 00:31:43.230
live in such a way where, man, people respect you
883
00:31:43.230 --> 00:31:44.290
because of the way you live your life,
884
00:31:44.290 --> 00:31:46.810
the way you are respectful to other people.
885
00:31:46.810 --> 00:31:48.090
And if they don't like you because of that
886
00:31:48.090 --> 00:31:50.137
that's on them, you know, not you.
887
00:31:51.230 --> 00:31:53.288
So, what if a parent is at their wits end
888
00:31:53.288 --> 00:31:55.293
and nothing seems to be helping
889
00:31:55.293 --> 00:31:57.760
and they've considered changing schools.
890
00:31:57.760 --> 00:31:59.816
What advice would you give to them?
891
00:31:59.816 --> 00:32:02.990
So, it happens and it happens more often
892
00:32:02.990 --> 00:32:03.940
than we actually think.
893
00:32:03.940 --> 00:32:07.450
Where, because the school that kids usually go to
894
00:32:07.450 --> 00:32:08.960
is the school that they're zoned to, right.
895
00:32:08.960 --> 00:32:11.160
So, like for me, I only went to schools that I
896
00:32:11.160 --> 00:32:12.290
was zoned to.
897
00:32:12.290 --> 00:32:14.110
Never did I think that I was gonna go to like some
898
00:32:14.110 --> 00:32:15.290
different school.
899
00:32:15.290 --> 00:32:17.229
I didn't know I had options when I was 12.
900
00:32:17.229 --> 00:32:18.820
Parent should know that.
901
00:32:18.820 --> 00:32:20.350
Parents, you have options.
902
00:32:20.350 --> 00:32:23.130
And so, had I gone home and said,
903
00:32:23.130 --> 00:32:24.110
mom this is what's happening.
904
00:32:24.110 --> 00:32:25.430
Maybe my mom could have said,
905
00:32:25.430 --> 00:32:26.780
hey, let's try this school,
906
00:32:26.780 --> 00:32:28.984
and maybe try a different school and see if it improves.
907
00:32:28.984 --> 00:32:31.460
But some people have already done that.
908
00:32:31.460 --> 00:32:33.520
Like you said, parents are usually at their wits end.
909
00:32:33.520 --> 00:32:36.323
They've taken it to authorities and nothing's working
910
00:32:36.323 --> 00:32:38.593
for whatever reason.
911
00:32:38.593 --> 00:32:41.570
It's just for me I would say look,
912
00:32:41.570 --> 00:32:43.597
safety is the most important thing for your kid.
913
00:32:43.597 --> 00:32:46.320
And if that's not working you should probably
914
00:32:46.320 --> 00:32:49.970
looking for alternative schools, or alternative
915
00:32:49.970 --> 00:32:51.500
methods of teaching your kid.
916
00:32:51.500 --> 00:32:52.350
Sure.
917
00:32:52.350 --> 00:32:53.950
Thank you so much Fabian.
918
00:32:53.950 --> 00:32:55.950
And we do have a clip of a family that did
919
00:32:55.950 --> 00:32:57.470
try something different.
920
00:32:57.470 --> 00:32:59.728 line:15%
A Jasper mother and her son are pleading to anyone
921
00:32:59.728 --> 00:33:02.590 line:15%
who is being bullied tonight to speak out.
922
00:33:02.590 --> 00:33:03.820 line:15%
Good evening I'm Jack Royer.
923
00:33:03.820 --> 00:33:04.830 line:15%
I'm Sherri Jackson.
924
00:33:04.830 --> 00:33:07.090 line:15%
Speaking out is exactly what this family has
925
00:33:07.090 --> 00:33:09.330 line:15%
been doing and it's making a difference.
926
00:33:09.330 --> 00:33:11.610
CBS 42 News reporter Hillary Simon joins us now
927
00:33:11.610 --> 00:33:12.443
with their story.
928
00:33:12.443 --> 00:33:15.357
And Hillary, he was bullied because of how he walks.
929
00:33:15.357 --> 00:33:16.319
Sherri that's right.
930
00:33:16.319 --> 00:33:19.020 line:15%
Noah Baker has a bone disease that makes him walk
931
00:33:19.020 --> 00:33:19.853 line:15%
with a limp.
932
00:33:19.853 --> 00:33:22.570 line:15%
And he said kids noticed and started picking on him.
933
00:33:22.570 --> 00:33:24.550 line:15%
But it got to the point they were violent,
934
00:33:24.550 --> 00:33:25.559 line:15%
so he spoke up.
935
00:33:25.559 --> 00:33:30.040 line:15%
Noah seems like your average, goofy 13 year old boy.
936
00:33:30.040 --> 00:33:31.980 line:15%
I got my friend, yeah.
937
00:33:31.980 --> 00:33:34.418 line:15%
But two years ago his mom
938
00:33:34.418 --> 00:33:35.251 line:15%
said he was a different kid.
939
00:33:35.251 --> 00:33:36.220 line:15%
He was very recluse.
940
00:33:36.220 --> 00:33:38.120 line:15%
He really didn't wanna talk to nobody.
941
00:33:38.120 --> 00:33:39.310 line:15%
He just stayed to himself.
942
00:33:39.310 --> 00:33:41.351 line:15%
You know, he was not very outgoing.
943
00:33:41.351 --> 00:33:43.900 line:15%
And now he's just, he's like a ball of energy.
944
00:33:43.900 --> 00:33:44.733 line:15%
He's everywhere.
945
00:33:44.733 --> 00:33:46.211 line:15%
He loves it.
946
00:33:46.211 --> 00:33:47.580 line:15%
And he tries to help everybody.
947
00:33:47.580 --> 00:33:49.110 line:15%
Noah was in the 5th grade when he
948
00:33:49.110 --> 00:33:50.470 line:15%
was bullied at school because of his
949
00:33:50.470 --> 00:33:53.100 line:15%
genetic bone disease that causes irregular growth
950
00:33:53.100 --> 00:33:53.933 line:15%
in his legs.
951
00:33:53.933 --> 00:33:55.522 line:15%
He's had nine surgeries.
952
00:33:55.522 --> 00:33:59.298 line:15%
He was getting called gimp, crip,
953
00:33:59.298 --> 00:34:01.620 line:15%
because of his leges.
954
00:34:01.620 --> 00:34:03.220 line:15%
And they were pushing him.
955
00:34:03.220 --> 00:34:05.100 line:15%
He came home one day saying that one of the kids
956
00:34:05.100 --> 00:34:06.770 line:15%
had kicked him in his legs.
957
00:34:06.770 --> 00:34:08.670 line:15%
One time they shoved me down a hill.
958
00:34:10.730 --> 00:34:13.100 line:15%
And they just, nobody sent for me,
959
00:34:13.100 --> 00:34:14.520 line:15%
so I went home and told my mom.
960
00:34:14.520 --> 00:34:16.620 line:15%
Soon after Noah enrolled in ALVA,
961
00:34:16.620 --> 00:34:19.680 line:15%
Alabama Virtual Academy, an online public school.
962
00:34:19.680 --> 00:34:21.840 line:15%
His mom says Noah eventually came back to his
963
00:34:21.840 --> 00:34:25.120 line:15%
regular self, but she's still shocked this all happened.
964
00:34:25.120 --> 00:34:26.920 line:15%
'Cause that's your baby.
965
00:34:26.920 --> 00:34:28.680 line:15%
You're trusting the school to take care
966
00:34:28.680 --> 00:34:30.940 line:15%
of your child and they're coming home with
967
00:34:30.940 --> 00:34:33.680 line:15%
knowing that they've been abused like that.
968
00:34:33.680 --> 00:34:35.850 line:15%
I never in a million years would think that
969
00:34:35.850 --> 00:34:39.470 line:15%
he would be disabled, or be bullied because of it.
970
00:34:39.470 --> 00:34:41.250 line:15%
I thought that the school was supposed to be
971
00:34:41.250 --> 00:34:43.761 line:15%
a protective place, somewhere you can go to feel safe,
972
00:34:43.761 --> 00:34:46.343 line:15%
but it wasn't for me.
973
00:34:46.343 --> 00:34:50.610 line:15%
I'd rather have went through jail
974
00:34:50.610 --> 00:34:52.591 line:15%
or something like that instead of school
975
00:34:52.591 --> 00:34:53.424 line:15%
because that's how bad it was.
976
00:34:53.424 --> 00:34:54.330 line:15%
Noah said he hopes during
977
00:34:54.330 --> 00:34:56.050 line:15%
National Anti-Bullying month people speak up
978
00:34:56.050 --> 00:34:58.335 line:15%
and stop bullying.
979
00:34:58.335 --> 00:35:01.870 line:15%
Now, Noah said the kids that bullied him did apologize,
980
00:35:01.870 --> 00:35:03.520 line:15%
but he said the damage was already done.
981
00:35:03.520 --> 00:35:05.920 line:15%
He says he loves his online public school
982
00:35:05.920 --> 00:35:08.681 line:15%
and can continue all the way to high school graduation.
983
00:35:08.681 --> 00:35:11.610 line:15%
In the studio Hillary Simon, CBS 42 News,
984
00:35:11.610 --> 00:35:13.980 line:15%
local coverage you can count on.
985
00:35:13.980 --> 00:35:15.159
Hi guys.
986
00:35:15.159 --> 00:35:16.232
Thanks so much for being on the webinar with us.
987
00:35:16.232 --> 00:35:18.080
We're gonna take some question and answers
988
00:35:18.080 --> 00:35:18.913
at this time.
989
00:35:18.913 --> 00:35:21.110
Before that there's gonna be a quick poll.
990
00:35:21.110 --> 00:35:24.140
If you could just click that we shared a lot of strategies
991
00:35:24.140 --> 00:35:25.850
today and we just want to know which ones
992
00:35:25.850 --> 00:35:28.563
have you even implemented and tried already.
993
00:35:28.563 --> 00:35:30.440
And so, if you could do that real quick,
994
00:35:30.440 --> 00:35:31.793
just click on the poll and just take that for us
995
00:35:31.793 --> 00:35:33.210
that would be great.
996
00:35:33.210 --> 00:35:34.220
Thanks.
997
00:35:34.220 --> 00:35:36.400
Now we have some audience questions.
998
00:35:36.400 --> 00:35:39.592
When should I as a parent report bullying?
999
00:35:39.592 --> 00:35:41.950
Yeah, absolutely.
1000
00:35:41.950 --> 00:35:45.110
First, as a parent you wanna get all the information
1001
00:35:45.110 --> 00:35:46.803
as you can, right.
1002
00:35:46.803 --> 00:35:50.301
You wanna talk to your kid.
1003
00:35:50.301 --> 00:35:54.530
Then you wanna come to talk to the principle,
1004
00:35:54.530 --> 00:35:56.808
that's number one, especially if it's at school.
1005
00:35:56.808 --> 00:35:59.176
You almost gotta think about where is it happening,
1006
00:35:59.176 --> 00:36:02.056
then who would be the main person that would be
1007
00:36:02.056 --> 00:36:03.480
in that environment.
1008
00:36:03.480 --> 00:36:05.704
If it's at school it's probably gonna be the principle.
1009
00:36:05.704 --> 00:36:08.560
If the principle for whatever reason is not
1010
00:36:08.560 --> 00:36:10.800
working with you then as a parent I would go
1011
00:36:10.800 --> 00:36:12.250
to the next level, right.
1012
00:36:12.250 --> 00:36:14.578
The school district, the superintendent,
1013
00:36:14.578 --> 00:36:18.077
whoever it is that is higher than the principle.
1014
00:36:18.077 --> 00:36:20.659
But high likely the principle's gonna,
1015
00:36:20.659 --> 00:36:22.870
he's gonna be the one that kind of manage,
1016
00:36:22.870 --> 00:36:24.730
and kind of work with you.
1017
00:36:24.730 --> 00:36:27.900
But when a student no longer feels safe
1018
00:36:27.900 --> 00:36:30.538
to go to school you need to report it.
1019
00:36:30.538 --> 00:36:32.170
And that's what I tell students.
1020
00:36:32.170 --> 00:36:34.143
If you don't feel safe to go to school
1021
00:36:34.143 --> 00:36:36.230
you need to report what's going on.
1022
00:36:36.230 --> 00:36:38.047
I'm not just talking about like bullying behavior.
1023
00:36:38.047 --> 00:36:39.630
And I'm not talking about just students,
1024
00:36:39.630 --> 00:36:42.360
sometimes you know, if you're scared to go to school
1025
00:36:42.360 --> 00:36:46.240
because of a teacher you need to report it, all right.
1026
00:36:46.240 --> 00:36:48.060
I'm not just talking about like from peer to peer.
1027
00:36:48.060 --> 00:36:52.030
Anywhere we go you shouldn't go somewhere
1028
00:36:52.030 --> 00:36:55.370
and have a fear because of another person's actions.
1029
00:36:55.370 --> 00:36:56.393
That is not okay.
1030
00:36:57.654 --> 00:36:58.487
Okay, thank you.
1031
00:36:58.487 --> 00:37:01.983
How can I, as a parent, shape the culture at my kid's school?
1032
00:37:01.983 --> 00:37:04.930
Yeah so, school culture is one of those terms
1033
00:37:04.930 --> 00:37:07.410
that always gets thrown around.
1034
00:37:07.410 --> 00:37:08.550
I always like to tell students,
1035
00:37:08.550 --> 00:37:10.810
look the school culture is what you allow to
1036
00:37:10.810 --> 00:37:12.290
happen on school campuses.
1037
00:37:12.290 --> 00:37:13.600
That's all it is.
1038
00:37:13.600 --> 00:37:16.980
Just like any business, or the culture of it
1039
00:37:16.980 --> 00:37:19.080
is what we say, here's what we're gonna allow
1040
00:37:19.080 --> 00:37:20.160
to happen, right.
1041
00:37:20.160 --> 00:37:23.260
So, we say okay, if people get picked on,
1042
00:37:23.260 --> 00:37:25.140
or we start bullying each other,
1043
00:37:25.140 --> 00:37:27.750
and we say as a student body we're not gonna let
1044
00:37:27.750 --> 00:37:31.120
this happen, then it's not part of the school culture.
1045
00:37:31.120 --> 00:37:33.780
See, but if we don't report then what we're saying
1046
00:37:33.780 --> 00:37:36.318
is we're gonna allow this to be part of our school culture.
1047
00:37:36.318 --> 00:37:39.029
So now it becomes, today it's one.
1048
00:37:39.029 --> 00:37:40.740
Next week it's two people.
1049
00:37:40.740 --> 00:37:42.570
And next thing you know it's out of control.
1050
00:37:42.570 --> 00:37:45.104
We're having all these cases of people getting picked on
1051
00:37:45.104 --> 00:37:46.950
and it becomes part of the school culture.
1052
00:37:46.950 --> 00:37:49.226
And it happens just like that all because
1053
00:37:49.226 --> 00:37:51.670
we decided we weren't gonna report.
1054
00:37:51.670 --> 00:37:54.530
And so that's why I stick to that.
1055
00:37:54.530 --> 00:37:55.541
Let's report.
1056
00:37:55.541 --> 00:37:57.210
Let's get people the help they need.
1057
00:37:57.210 --> 00:37:59.180
If not the school culture will go down.
1058
00:37:59.180 --> 00:38:01.340
You do not wanna allow certain things to actually
1059
00:38:01.340 --> 00:38:02.640
happen at school.
1060
00:38:02.640 --> 00:38:05.520
So Fabian, what advice would you give a family
1061
00:38:05.520 --> 00:38:08.800
that is struggling with cyber bullying,
1062
00:38:08.800 --> 00:38:10.577
or bullying in the online space?
1063
00:38:10.577 --> 00:38:13.940
Yeah so, you know, cyber bullying has actually changed
1064
00:38:13.940 --> 00:38:14.870
a lot in the last five years.
1065
00:38:14.870 --> 00:38:17.170
Before it was like somebody behind a computer.
1066
00:38:17.170 --> 00:38:18.660
Now it's kids on their phone,
1067
00:38:18.660 --> 00:38:20.074
you know, so accessible.
1068
00:38:20.074 --> 00:38:22.450
You'd be surprised how many students
1069
00:38:22.450 --> 00:38:24.082
have phones now days.
1070
00:38:24.082 --> 00:38:28.180
Parents sometimes just without even thinking,
1071
00:38:28.180 --> 00:38:29.031
here's a phone.
1072
00:38:29.031 --> 00:38:31.370
It's for emergencies, right.
1073
00:38:31.370 --> 00:38:32.720
And so, but man,
1074
00:38:32.720 --> 00:38:34.850
as parents you're the overseer of the house.
1075
00:38:34.850 --> 00:38:37.250
If you give your child a phone, for example,
1076
00:38:37.250 --> 00:38:39.580
always make sure that you know what apps
1077
00:38:39.580 --> 00:38:40.413
are on there.
1078
00:38:40.413 --> 00:38:42.750
And not only that, how are they using the apps?
1079
00:38:42.750 --> 00:38:43.830
How are they communicating
1080
00:38:43.830 --> 00:38:46.070
and who are they communicating with?
1081
00:38:46.070 --> 00:38:48.257
You might even put some parameters there and say,
1082
00:38:48.257 --> 00:38:50.330
okay, here are your top five people
1083
00:38:50.330 --> 00:38:52.430
that you need to have on your list.
1084
00:38:52.430 --> 00:38:54.767
If somebody else around the school is texting you
1085
00:38:54.767 --> 00:38:58.470
and sending you graphics I wanna know about it.
1086
00:38:58.470 --> 00:38:59.887
Who are those people.
1087
00:38:59.887 --> 00:39:01.230
And check their phone.
1088
00:39:01.230 --> 00:39:03.620
Maybe you have a once a week we're gonna check your phone.
1089
00:39:03.620 --> 00:39:04.965
I'm gonna check your phone.
1090
00:39:04.965 --> 00:39:09.857
But all the carriers will provide access to know
1091
00:39:09.857 --> 00:39:11.730
who's texting.
1092
00:39:11.730 --> 00:39:13.870
And so, maybe you print that out.
1093
00:39:13.870 --> 00:39:16.170
And maybe you line up what has been printed out
1094
00:39:16.170 --> 00:39:18.090
with what your kid is actually saying to you.
1095
00:39:18.090 --> 00:39:19.760
And if they're not being honest and truthful
1096
00:39:19.760 --> 00:39:21.796
with you then there needs to be consequences.
1097
00:39:21.796 --> 00:39:23.350
It's powerful.
1098
00:39:23.350 --> 00:39:24.600
The phone is powerful.
1099
00:39:24.600 --> 00:39:27.130
And so with that there's some responsibilities
1100
00:39:27.130 --> 00:39:28.870
that we need to put on our kids.
1101
00:39:28.870 --> 00:39:30.710
And remember, it's okay to be strict.
1102
00:39:30.710 --> 00:39:33.270
Strict equals love, all right.
1103
00:39:33.270 --> 00:39:35.330
Good, we have time for one more question,
1104
00:39:35.330 --> 00:39:37.281
but we do encourage you to keep asking
1105
00:39:37.281 --> 00:39:39.640
your questions in the chat and we'll be sure
1106
00:39:39.640 --> 00:39:41.250
to get back to you on those.
1107
00:39:41.250 --> 00:39:42.497
So the last question is,
1108
00:39:42.497 --> 00:39:45.370
what if a student gets physical with my son?
1109
00:39:45.370 --> 00:39:49.280
Yes, and that's always difficult because
1110
00:39:50.170 --> 00:39:52.810
no one should put their hands on another person, right.
1111
00:39:52.810 --> 00:39:54.950
That is actually a crime from the get go,
1112
00:39:54.950 --> 00:39:57.320
especially if it's, they're in an argument,
1113
00:39:57.320 --> 00:39:59.500
or and someone actually starts to throw punches,
1114
00:39:59.500 --> 00:40:00.580
someone gets physical.
1115
00:40:00.580 --> 00:40:03.611
It could become assault.
1116
00:40:03.611 --> 00:40:05.060
And that needs to be reported.
1117
00:40:05.060 --> 00:40:06.492
That is a crime.
1118
00:40:06.492 --> 00:40:09.620
With that said, I know that fights don't start
1119
00:40:09.620 --> 00:40:11.000
off as fights.
1120
00:40:11.000 --> 00:40:14.630
And so, anytime I hear about a fight happening,
1121
00:40:14.630 --> 00:40:16.970
for example, I always think about
1122
00:40:16.970 --> 00:40:19.340
could have it been prevented.
1123
00:40:19.340 --> 00:40:22.480
Here's the prevention expert in me thinking
1124
00:40:22.480 --> 00:40:25.160
what could we have done to prevent a fight to happen?
1125
00:40:25.160 --> 00:40:28.000
What happens is those two kids,
1126
00:40:28.000 --> 00:40:30.350
or maybe just one of them just didn't have
1127
00:40:30.350 --> 00:40:33.300
the proper skills of knowing how to resolve conflict.
1128
00:40:33.300 --> 00:40:37.240
So, those situations will always escalated.
1129
00:40:37.240 --> 00:40:38.980
It escalates and the end result,
1130
00:40:38.980 --> 00:40:40.980
sometimes it's fighting, you know.
1131
00:40:40.980 --> 00:40:42.980
Cultural norms, if I'm in an argument
1132
00:40:42.980 --> 00:40:45.540
at home with my brother and every time we argue
1133
00:40:45.540 --> 00:40:48.070
we get into a fight, whoever wins the fight
1134
00:40:48.070 --> 00:40:49.778
wins the argument so to speak.
1135
00:40:49.778 --> 00:40:52.840
Then it's highly likely I'm gonna do that elsewhere,
1136
00:40:52.840 --> 00:40:54.110
not just at home.
1137
00:40:54.110 --> 00:40:56.240
But that's gonna dictate my behavior.
1138
00:40:56.240 --> 00:40:58.786
I'm gonna come to school and if I argue,
1139
00:40:58.786 --> 00:41:01.530
by the time you know it I am gonna throw punches
1140
00:41:01.530 --> 00:41:02.363
'cause that's what I know.
1141
00:41:02.363 --> 00:41:03.540
That is my norm.
1142
00:41:03.540 --> 00:41:05.390
Not only that, but the end result has worked
1143
00:41:05.390 --> 00:41:06.223
for me in the past.
1144
00:41:06.223 --> 00:41:09.040
So guess what, it might work for me also in the present.
1145
00:41:09.040 --> 00:41:13.000
So, if your kid is getting physically like attacked,
1146
00:41:13.000 --> 00:41:15.280
for one let's get that kid out of that situation
1147
00:41:15.280 --> 00:41:17.020
'cause safety is always first.
1148
00:41:17.020 --> 00:41:21.280
But two, it is a crime and you might consider
1149
00:41:21.280 --> 00:41:24.030
pressing charges at some point if the assault
1150
00:41:24.030 --> 00:41:25.370
injures your child,
1151
00:41:25.370 --> 00:41:27.830
needing to have some kind of medical attention.
1152
00:41:27.830 --> 00:41:29.040
It could get that serious.
1153
00:41:29.040 --> 00:41:31.653
Okay, do you have any closing thoughts for us?
1154
00:41:31.653 --> 00:41:34.030
I think the closing thoughts I have for parents
1155
00:41:34.030 --> 00:41:36.240
is just I want your kid to be safe.
1156
00:41:36.240 --> 00:41:38.480
I mean, that's why I'm here doing this webinar
1157
00:41:38.480 --> 00:41:42.130
alongside K12, 'cause at the end we want your
1158
00:41:42.130 --> 00:41:43.546
kids to be resilient.
1159
00:41:43.546 --> 00:41:45.616
We want your kids to be in control.
1160
00:41:45.616 --> 00:41:48.642
We want them to know how do I respond
1161
00:41:48.642 --> 00:41:50.710
when someone picks on me.
1162
00:41:50.710 --> 00:41:53.018
And not everybody's gonna like me,
1163
00:41:53.018 --> 00:41:54.019
and that's okay.
1164
00:41:54.019 --> 00:41:55.472
But guess what, I'm still in control.
1165
00:41:55.472 --> 00:41:58.000
And at the end that's what you want.
1166
00:41:58.000 --> 00:42:00.423
Don't ever give somebody power, all right.
1167
00:42:01.390 --> 00:42:04.020
Fabian, thank you so much for being here today.
1168
00:42:04.020 --> 00:42:05.870
How would you suggest that families reach
1169
00:42:05.870 --> 00:42:07.204
out to you directly?
1170
00:42:07.204 --> 00:42:09.220
Yeah, so the number one way for parents
1171
00:42:09.220 --> 00:42:11.480
to reach out to me is to just go to my website.
1172
00:42:11.480 --> 00:42:16.041
It's fabianramirez.com, and on that website
1173
00:42:16.041 --> 00:42:18.879
I also give one bully prevention video away for
1174
00:42:18.879 --> 00:42:21.750
if anybody needs help.
1175
00:42:21.750 --> 00:42:23.570
You put your name and your email,
1176
00:42:23.570 --> 00:42:25.040
and I'll send that to you right away.
1177
00:42:25.040 --> 00:42:28.860
But also here on the upper right hand of your screen
1178
00:42:28.860 --> 00:42:32.403
there's also a resource list for you to utilize as well.
1179
00:42:33.880 --> 00:42:34.830
Thank you Fabian.